There once was a man named Thomas Rogene.
Thomas Rogene married a woman named Katie Ericsson. Their story is wonderful.
Thomas grew up in the lower-upper class... the kind of place where he had quite a bit of money and a very large house, but he didn't have menservants and gardeners and servants and cooks. and those people who don't do anything but stand around and open doors.
His parents weren't divorced, in fact, his dad, Jim Rogene, was the inventor of Rogene hair and facial products. His small 1.2758% of all profits generated by the product was sufficient enough so that he never had to work again. His mother, Carol, liked tennis. She was very very very good, and always dominated the inter-country club tournament. She was so good that people pretended to like her, when in fact they all hated her. All except for Joni Kchovenejenenen and Chisti Haroll. Joni was her only competition as an ex-professional, but she was getting on at 66 and so she tended to be more friendly then not. Christi was very empty. She liked everyone but she didn't know why.
Thomas grew up attending a small private school. He was incessantly curious, and very bright. His body's chemical proportions were favorable, but he had adhd and dyslexia. Unfortunately, it was the kind of dyslexia that was too small to be diagnosed, but large enough to where it made small print impossible to read. This lead to glasses that were completely useless. But it didn't matter. Thomas was in the lower-upper class. it didn't matter if he spent money on glasses.
When he was in High School, Thomas switched schools for hockey, which was what he was good at that people cared about. He was also very good at drawing and cooking food. But nobody cared about his paintings. And his friends made fun of his exquisite taste and his beautiful talent for food. They never quite understood what he meant when he said he loved food.
Regardless, the private school at which he was stationed was no good for athletics, and Thomas wanted to expand his horizons. He transferred to the local public school. He lived in Ontario, Canada. He was 6'5''. He wanted to go to cooking school in France. He knew his only chance was to go by playing hockey. He worked very very hard.
The local public school was full of kids from either the lower-upper class, the middle-upper class, or the upper-upper class. They all asked Thomas if his name was like the hair gel. He said yes, exactly like it. People were always impressed.
His sophomore year, there was a freshman named Jake Rogene in his art class. They were not related. Thomas felt sorry for Jake because people asked Jake if his name was for hair, and if he was related to Thomas. Jake always said no. People were always unimpressed.
Thomas was a star on the Hockey team, people liked him because of his name and because he was good at hockey.
Life was good for Thomas, and he knew it. He never once was ungrateful for what was given to him, and he worked very hard each day to earn it. But he was always so confused by the way social structure seemed to work in his city. He thought a lot about it.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
On My Mind.
I have come to a conclusion of sorts.
The universe is massive.
Bigger then our comprehension.
It gets bigger every nanosecond.
It won't stop getting bigger for a long time.
Its ordered.
So far as we know, everything in the universe follows rules of cause and effect. everything can be explained. everything is orderly. and happens. for what purpose, we do not know.
maybe its because its simply an effect from an old cause thats trickling down to infinatesimally small levels...
maybe its all an accident and the universe is the product of an arrant cause that should never have occured.
People say all things happen for a reason.
Maybe they do. But i think its not because of some destiny, but rather because of some anomaly.
To whatever extent, we, as humans are like atoms, no smaller, quarks to the structure of the universe.
Our existance is meaningless to the cosmos. Negligable. In fact, most things at all are negligable to the cosmos. Our sun, or solar system, or galaxy, or cluster, or super cluster; all tiny in the scope of the universe.
Quarks and gluons theoretically make up protons and neutrons and electrons.
Theoretically they flicker in and out of existance, so small is their size.
Human lives, animal lives, the lives of stars even, events gargantuan to us, are so ludicrously unimportant in the amount of cause and effect in the universe at any given point, that they flicker in and out of existance.
I mean to state this plainly.
If our lives our negligable in size, so are our causes and effects.
So are our lives.
We have no purpose here on earth. There is no grand scheme.
All that is left is what we have control of.
Our actions, our lives.
Take them into your hands.
Put it this way. Its quite impossible to royally fuck up.
The universe is massive.
Bigger then our comprehension.
It gets bigger every nanosecond.
It won't stop getting bigger for a long time.
Its ordered.
So far as we know, everything in the universe follows rules of cause and effect. everything can be explained. everything is orderly. and happens. for what purpose, we do not know.
maybe its because its simply an effect from an old cause thats trickling down to infinatesimally small levels...
maybe its all an accident and the universe is the product of an arrant cause that should never have occured.
People say all things happen for a reason.
Maybe they do. But i think its not because of some destiny, but rather because of some anomaly.
To whatever extent, we, as humans are like atoms, no smaller, quarks to the structure of the universe.
Our existance is meaningless to the cosmos. Negligable. In fact, most things at all are negligable to the cosmos. Our sun, or solar system, or galaxy, or cluster, or super cluster; all tiny in the scope of the universe.
Quarks and gluons theoretically make up protons and neutrons and electrons.
Theoretically they flicker in and out of existance, so small is their size.
Human lives, animal lives, the lives of stars even, events gargantuan to us, are so ludicrously unimportant in the amount of cause and effect in the universe at any given point, that they flicker in and out of existance.
I mean to state this plainly.
If our lives our negligable in size, so are our causes and effects.
So are our lives.
We have no purpose here on earth. There is no grand scheme.
All that is left is what we have control of.
Our actions, our lives.
Take them into your hands.
Put it this way. Its quite impossible to royally fuck up.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Moving.
True emotion is powerful stuff. Truthfully it can be both scary and intimidating.
Sometimes it can be too much.
Sometimes the timing is poor. Sometimes there is far too much in the dramatics. Sometimes it can't be helped. Below is a resolve.
I never meant to take it too far.
I am so sorry.
This is it from me. Moving.
Sometimes it can be too much.
Sometimes the timing is poor. Sometimes there is far too much in the dramatics. Sometimes it can't be helped. Below is a resolve.
I never meant to take it too far.
I am so sorry.
This is it from me. Moving.
Thoughts on Thought
We live in an indefinite world, an inconsistent one.
It can change in the blink of an eye from right to wrong, from beautiful to ugly, and from great to poor.
It can change from full to empty.
Collecting thoughts in such a world can be like catching dry leaves in the wind.
Its really difficult, and then when you catch one, you usually crush it.
Only those with the mental dexterity of philosophers, good philosophers I might add, can get their shit together. And even then, in a way that is unique to them, and in a way that few others can understand.
There is a reason for that.
Honestly, there are so many ups and downs, that even taking a break from life in order to collect oneself kinda just puts you behind.
Discipline of the mind cannot be taught. It simply must be learned. From experience.
It shouldn't even be learned. It shouldn't even be a concept. It causes so much more trepidation and trivia then success and understanding.
Everybody everywhere thinks that this sort of discipline is the end all be all of greatness and enlightenment, and it is these same people who scream from the rooftops that they have found it, or that they need it.
It is those same people who actually attend classes or sessions to learn to think about how they feel.
Are you kidding me?
There is no such thing as complete mental discipline.
This is because there is no such thing as emotional discipline.
Those who say they have it, either don't really live around people, or aren't human. Its that simple.
Blocking out emotions is a bit of a death sentence for the mind.
The problem is people's sense of self-importance.
While it is the most essential part of creativity and by extension, self-expression, and again by extension, individualism, which is the core, and possibly singular, good belief of our society, it forces people to just take themselves way too seriously.
If they would simply get over themselves, and believe me, I am just as guilty, I write this blog that practically screams of unintentional arrogance, then they could start to think about things that actually matter.
Things like other people. This magnificent world in which we live. Integrity Character ArtandMusicLovePassion. Truth.
I am aware that this has been downright contradictory and borderline ludicrous. Keep Reading.
Do not get me wrong. Collecting your thoughts, or in other terms, staying sane or thinking straight, is pretty important.
Trying to control how you come to that state of almost divine enlightenment is wrong.
You'll only go backwards.
In a sense, the common man, the one who has never worried about how he acts, is far better off than the greatest of philosophers, who must unlearn all they forcibly "learned" or "discovered".
Feel first. Then think about how you feel. Don't try to change it. Don't lie to yourself. Don't run away from the feelings. Don't try to block them out.
Accept them, for whether you like it or not, They Are You.
Your own emotions keep you honest. Only ignore them if it must be done, and then with the knowledge that you are indeed ignoring them.
Humans do not need Sunflowers. They know they are beautiful. Most think they need them.
Bees need Sunflowers. They do not know they are beautiful. They simply need them.
Want them all you want, but know that you do not need them.
It can change in the blink of an eye from right to wrong, from beautiful to ugly, and from great to poor.
It can change from full to empty.
Collecting thoughts in such a world can be like catching dry leaves in the wind.
Its really difficult, and then when you catch one, you usually crush it.
Only those with the mental dexterity of philosophers, good philosophers I might add, can get their shit together. And even then, in a way that is unique to them, and in a way that few others can understand.
There is a reason for that.
Honestly, there are so many ups and downs, that even taking a break from life in order to collect oneself kinda just puts you behind.
Discipline of the mind cannot be taught. It simply must be learned. From experience.
It shouldn't even be learned. It shouldn't even be a concept. It causes so much more trepidation and trivia then success and understanding.
Everybody everywhere thinks that this sort of discipline is the end all be all of greatness and enlightenment, and it is these same people who scream from the rooftops that they have found it, or that they need it.
It is those same people who actually attend classes or sessions to learn to think about how they feel.
Are you kidding me?
There is no such thing as complete mental discipline.
This is because there is no such thing as emotional discipline.
Those who say they have it, either don't really live around people, or aren't human. Its that simple.
Blocking out emotions is a bit of a death sentence for the mind.
The problem is people's sense of self-importance.
While it is the most essential part of creativity and by extension, self-expression, and again by extension, individualism, which is the core, and possibly singular, good belief of our society, it forces people to just take themselves way too seriously.
If they would simply get over themselves, and believe me, I am just as guilty, I write this blog that practically screams of unintentional arrogance, then they could start to think about things that actually matter.
Things like other people. This magnificent world in which we live. Integrity Character ArtandMusicLovePassion. Truth.
I am aware that this has been downright contradictory and borderline ludicrous. Keep Reading.
Do not get me wrong. Collecting your thoughts, or in other terms, staying sane or thinking straight, is pretty important.
Trying to control how you come to that state of almost divine enlightenment is wrong.
You'll only go backwards.
In a sense, the common man, the one who has never worried about how he acts, is far better off than the greatest of philosophers, who must unlearn all they forcibly "learned" or "discovered".
Feel first. Then think about how you feel. Don't try to change it. Don't lie to yourself. Don't run away from the feelings. Don't try to block them out.
Accept them, for whether you like it or not, They Are You.
Your own emotions keep you honest. Only ignore them if it must be done, and then with the knowledge that you are indeed ignoring them.
Humans do not need Sunflowers. They know they are beautiful. Most think they need them.
Bees need Sunflowers. They do not know they are beautiful. They simply need them.
Want them all you want, but know that you do not need them.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saying Goodbye
Man, by design, is an individual.
No two people are identical, and no two people ever share the same thoughts.
Each and every one of us lives alone in our thoughts, and each and every one of us fall fate to our own devices.
Much like computers, which were made to think in the likeness of us, are we in many respects.
As an aside, an odd relationship to think about. They say God made us in his likeness, and we have made computers in ours. What does that tell us about God? Could a computer ever comprehend how we have designed and what thought went into it? It is so limited. Ask the same thing about the nature of God and ourselves.
Computers are truely alone, they feel nothing, they have no emotion, because they are all the same, because they never interact with one another.
And therein lies the difference.
We interact with one another.
We have emotions.
Emotions, derived from our need to explain our feelings for each other.
Without emotion, we would never survive. Without each other, we would never survive.
These bonds of emotion and of feeling run deeper than any knowledge we can surmise, deeper than anything a computer could ever do for us.
It is our lifeblood.
This is why death is the darkest of our observances.
This is why saying goodbye comes close.
There is a feeling associated with this...
Its the feeling that the world has less in it. That a home you just lived in shrank and forced you out of it. That the music you played for a silent room never existed. That anything you do means less. That nothing you do means anything.
That there's a deep hole in your heart.
That your missing your heart.
Even food doesnt taste good.
Its ok.
Its feelings like these that let you know you're human.
Its feelings like these that let you know you're never going to be alone.
The world could fall, and the sun could never rise again, and still you would know, just because of this feeling, that you wont ever be alone.
Embrace it.
Own it.
Its yours.
The world wont fall, the sun will rise.
But its nice to have a constant, something to keep you company.
No two people are identical, and no two people ever share the same thoughts.
Each and every one of us lives alone in our thoughts, and each and every one of us fall fate to our own devices.
Much like computers, which were made to think in the likeness of us, are we in many respects.
As an aside, an odd relationship to think about. They say God made us in his likeness, and we have made computers in ours. What does that tell us about God? Could a computer ever comprehend how we have designed and what thought went into it? It is so limited. Ask the same thing about the nature of God and ourselves.
Computers are truely alone, they feel nothing, they have no emotion, because they are all the same, because they never interact with one another.
And therein lies the difference.
We interact with one another.
We have emotions.
Emotions, derived from our need to explain our feelings for each other.
Without emotion, we would never survive. Without each other, we would never survive.
These bonds of emotion and of feeling run deeper than any knowledge we can surmise, deeper than anything a computer could ever do for us.
It is our lifeblood.
This is why death is the darkest of our observances.
This is why saying goodbye comes close.
There is a feeling associated with this...
Its the feeling that the world has less in it. That a home you just lived in shrank and forced you out of it. That the music you played for a silent room never existed. That anything you do means less. That nothing you do means anything.
That there's a deep hole in your heart.
That your missing your heart.
Even food doesnt taste good.
Its ok.
Its feelings like these that let you know you're human.
Its feelings like these that let you know you're never going to be alone.
The world could fall, and the sun could never rise again, and still you would know, just because of this feeling, that you wont ever be alone.
Embrace it.
Own it.
Its yours.
The world wont fall, the sun will rise.
But its nice to have a constant, something to keep you company.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Stand Tall
a poem
"Stand Tall"
i dream of being far away
away from what i knew
from what i know
the truth of it blinds me
he stands a statue in the torrent
oblique and absolute
radient light
Hope.
stone wears away
ideas live on
but only, the right ones
his sheild is but nought
so alone is its type
everlasting
Hope.
better days lie ahead
and think what promises were said
and what has been dead
the world around you falls, sweetly.
the sheild slips
the statue fades
the image is burned on the black forever
Hope.
and now we cry
all honerably
it's all gone, to pieces
and so have we failed
i try to be the stone
collapsing
Hope.
"Stand Tall"
i dream of being far away
away from what i knew
from what i know
the truth of it blinds me
he stands a statue in the torrent
oblique and absolute
radient light
Hope.
stone wears away
ideas live on
but only, the right ones
his sheild is but nought
so alone is its type
everlasting
Hope.
better days lie ahead
and think what promises were said
and what has been dead
the world around you falls, sweetly.
the sheild slips
the statue fades
the image is burned on the black forever
Hope.
and now we cry
all honerably
it's all gone, to pieces
and so have we failed
i try to be the stone
collapsing
Hope.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
This Is What Happens When Your Heart Breaks
(Re-submitted after a computer failure: Originally posted 8/12/09 11:32 pm)
This could be ugly.
I rage.
Inside and out I feel as though there is a crushing weight pressing in and there's nothing holding it up.
My body is hollow.
My heart beats so little now.
I will control this. This beast within me. This dark dark beast. It roars.
I knew for so long i was right, that others were right and that i should have left it.
I pushed it away, a slave to my own meaningless devices, my own sycophantic failures to face the truth that I love a person who can't, and will never love me back.
Its been nearly a year. I've poured more into this vat then I can say.
All that's left is the music and a canvas of silence to paint on.
The passion is all gone from me.
There. I am done.
The reality of this matter is my own failure. my own lack of judgement and control. I trusted for too long, with too much, knowing all the while it was folly.
I loved you so much.
This could be ugly.
I rage.
Inside and out I feel as though there is a crushing weight pressing in and there's nothing holding it up.
My body is hollow.
My heart beats so little now.
I will control this. This beast within me. This dark dark beast. It roars.
I knew for so long i was right, that others were right and that i should have left it.
I pushed it away, a slave to my own meaningless devices, my own sycophantic failures to face the truth that I love a person who can't, and will never love me back.
Its been nearly a year. I've poured more into this vat then I can say.
All that's left is the music and a canvas of silence to paint on.
The passion is all gone from me.
There. I am done.
The reality of this matter is my own failure. my own lack of judgement and control. I trusted for too long, with too much, knowing all the while it was folly.
I loved you so much.
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